Ashley J 
Let’s chat about my journey after turning 40. That might sound confusing because of the title, but if you’ve been here before, you know it will all tie in together. I came into my 40s kicking and screaming. This was the age that everything was supposed to be established. I wanted to be set in my career and business roles, but that’s not quite what it was. A few years ago, I was sitting in a great position with my business. I was being recognized by people I never knew were looking. I had guests on my hit TV show for a year and more wonderful things. Things were looking up, and I was excited. As I write this post things look incredibly different. Self-doubt came in like a wrecking ball and destroyed what I built. What needs to happen now is to build everything from the ground up again. But there’s something still wrong in my thoughts.
Coming up with new ideas is the easy part. I constantly have ideas about improving my presentation to my audience or creating a new program or service. When these ideas pop up, I think, “Let me write this down, and then who will be interested in this?” Right now, it seems to have been such a long time since I had momentum. I couldn’t get past what was to build what could be. God has given me so many words about my business, and there was a time when I was rushing to get to where He wanted me to be. Because of that, I reached burnout and extreme disappointment. That led to me feeling like a failure and continued mounting negative self-thoughts. I began doing things in my own strength and completely lost my way. So here I am years later, after disappearing multiple times and trying to reinvent myself, only to disappear again. Countless times, I made promises to myself and my audience that I could not fulfill. I became utterly disappointed in myself, which pushed me further into the negative self-talk.
It was really sad to me how much I felt I over-promised and did not deliver. It was enough for me to stop completely. While stopping it has made me rethink my whole approach to my business. I realized I needed to give up all my power. All the ideas I needed to execute and how to be the best version of myself without changing myself completely. I was damaging myself and was on the brink of completely losing my business. What I have to do is fix my brain. God has equipped me with everything I need to be successful. Time and time again, He has shown me that I remember what I need to do and how to do it. See, a major part of the problem is that I have been working hard at being perfect or appearing the way someone else does online to attract clients. But that wasn’t the answer, not for me, anyway. Now it is clear that I have to work on me in a different way. So I began listening to positive affirmations and the right motivation videos. I also had to recenter myself and decide to allow God to lead my every step and be open to His direction on what is next for my business. I also had to remove the pressure from myself in order to think freely.
God kept reminding me to go back to the beginning and take it one step at a time. So, going back to the beginning is starting my blog again and maintaining my consistency with this first. I am also going to hold off on making promises to all of you about what I’m going to do until I have a handle on everything. I have even tried to start a vlog since starting my blog again. I’ve even filmed a couple of videos but can never seem to find the time to edit them. It’s incredible how this happens to me. The signs that God doesn’t want me to move forward with something just yet is by keeping me from fully implementing the plan. It’s so crazy how that happens. I love that He keeps me centered and focused.
It’s also very interesting how the clarity has come to me after turning 40. I was told that would happen but being in the midst of it is incredible. The other wonderful thing is how I’m working on increasing my self-esteem. I’ve been telling myself that it’s ok for me to be seen as an expert or owning that I’ll make mistakes and that I deserve to be recognized and celebrated. These are things that I always wanted, but once I started to get them, it made me extremely uncomfortable. Crazy, right? I know that sounds contradictory but whenever I got it, it made me melt to the pressure of hearing it. I am supposed to hear good things about me and allow people to praise what God has placed inside me. I am allowing God to have His way with me. I don’t want to return to my old way of doing things. I can’t do that. That was so toxic and harmful for me. It is also the exact opposite of what God wants for me. I am staying on a path to gain my breakthrough and achieve excellence. As I allow Him to lead me to where He wants me to be.
My suggestion for you is to talk to Him. If you are in the same place I have been, talk to Him. Find out what He wants from you. Change your self-talk and explore the Word to find His promises for you. Find additional motivation from positive, healthy sources. Please don’t hold on to the view that you must do it alone. That keeps you in the toxic cycle that everything you achieve is from your strength. It’s not; it comes from God, Wish that! Also, draw from Him because He’s your source.
'I say this because I know what I am planning for you,” says the Lord. “I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future. ' Jeremiah 29:11 NCV
