How to Have a Relationship with Yourself

Let’s chat about having a relationship with yourself. One of the categories on this blog is labeled Relationships. This post is the first in a series about building relationships. Before we can maintain strong relationships with other people we have to develop one with ourselves. This is actually something that I struggled with for years. I’m just now really beginning to understand that I need to be in a strong relationship with myself before I can have other relationships.

For example, I have a mistrust for people due to different situations I’ve experienced in my past. Within the last year or so I came to realize that some of my mistrust that I still carry is because I lost trust in myself. I blamed myself for being molested as a child, for my mother getting beat, and for getting raped as an adult. In my mind, I was too weak and stupid which is why stuff like that happened to me. Therefore, I became angry and didn’t trust my judgment or perception of other people. This was the start of having a bad relationship with myself.

Now, making this connection between myself and other relationships that I tried to foster, there was a change that needed to occur. What was that change? I had to start rebuilding the relationship with myself. The first step was to forgive myself for the past trauma that I faced. I had to take back the words I spoke against me. Just because terrible things happened to me it doesn’t mean I opened myself up to it happening. It’s not like I walked around asking for these things to happen to me. It just meant that I was around some messed up people who were screwed up in their heads. Unfortunately, hurt people, hurt people.

Here’s a step by step on what I did and how it can help you.

Step 1: Look at the needs you aren’t meeting.

Are you neglecting basic needs like taking care of your hygiene? Do you get a full night’s rest when you sleep? When was the last time you’ve been to the doctor and had a check-up? On another level when was the last time, you did something that you enjoyed? In the same vein, you should spend a day pampering yourself. Let me tell you, having a day to just unwind is something you never knew you needed. There are times when I go to the hair salon and then the nail salon and I feel like a whole new person.

I take those opportunities to truly be by myself. Now, I know you are around other people when you go to these places. But, being in a different environment makes you feel so much better. For example, when I come out of the salons my attitude and walk are different. It’s like you have a whole new swagger about yourself. This is something you may want to try.

Another form of pampering, you may want to try is having a day at the spa. The spa will bring you nothing but peace. If you like going to the spa. To be able to get a full body massage is so relaxing. If the masseuse is really good with their hands you are liable to fall asleep while you’re on the table.

Here is another idea for self-care. You can take yourself out on a date. This is a good way to show yourself some love and appreciation. When I say take yourself out I mean do the most. Do what you would expect the person you are dating to do for you. Put your make up on, get dressed up and wear a sexy pair of heels and go to dinner. Go wherever you want to go as long as you spoil yourself. There is such a feeling of accomplishment that you have when you do this. These are the steps you take to become your own very best friend.

Step 2: Be Intentional

The best thing to do when coming up with steps to have a better relationship with you is to be intentional. Being intentional is going to help you to stick with building your relationship. Having the intention behind your practice is going to make it mean so much more for you. While you are being intentional, say sorry to you. You are apologizing for all the neglect and nasty words that you used against yourself.

Step 3: Set Goals

So, by setting goals you are more likely to stay on track with your relationship. When setting your goals make sure to set them in three which are short, middle and long terms. Every time you hit your goals reward yourself. Rewarding yourself will be such a great motivation to keep going after your goals. The longer you achieve your goals the easier it will be to commit new habits to memory. And the less you will need the reward system but you can keep that up as a little treat for yourself.

Step 4: Be Grateful

A good way to offset the agony of change and to continually build a relationship with yourself is to be grateful. You never realize until you start to do it, how being grateful changes your mentality. So, instead of looking at the fact that you are working on changing things about yourself in a negative way. Being grateful makes things go smoother. Look at how having a grateful spirit will change your perspective of life. I actually used a meditation series on how to be grateful on the Calm app, it was really good. Once you put the practice to work you will truly look at life as if everything is half full and not half empty.

Step 5: Make Friends

I know this post is about building a relationship with yourself but you can’t be your only friend. So the goal in this step is to make friends with people who have a mutual outlook on life. The new friends that you make will help cultivate the new you. They will add to your goals and lifestyle instead of sucking you dry. I’m sure that’s what some of those previous relationships did. At least that’s what they did to me. You want to get with like-minded people.

Step 6: Be Selfish

You read it right, I said to be selfish. This is your final step in relationship building. Now, when I say be selfish I don’t mean in the negative sense. I want you to be selfish in the way that edifies you. Be selfish to the point that you know when you need a break and you take it. You probably didn’t do this before so it is crucial that you do it now. We are not going to revert back to old habits of neglecting ourselves, again. So when you start to feel overwhelmed this will be a signal to you that it’s time to take a break. It’s not selfish because even Jesus took the time to regroup and show himself some love.

In conclusion, there is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. Take the steps that I layed out for you and put them to action. Hey, you can even add some of your own positive steps in there, go right ahead. This is your life and you can make it how you want to. But make me a promise and move in a positive direction.

Luke 5:16 NCV But Jesus often slipped away to be alone so he could pray.

Let me know how your change is going. Leave a comment here or Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest. I can’t wait to hear from you!

Thank you for chatting!

Ashley J.