Ashley J 
Let’s chat about my maternal grandmother, Mildred Walker. She’s the beautiful lady in the picture above. She epitomizes creativity by being a tailor, interior designer, entrepreneur, and cook. She was also a nurse, wife, mother, and, from what I hear, a caring and loving friend. She was an impressive woman whose talents were passed to us.
A couple of years ago, it struck me that I didn’t know much about her. She was the only grandparent I had that I never spent time with. So, I went on a quest to find out about her (God-directed, of course). I set up multiple meetings with my mom and her siblings to learn about her. For them, it was bittersweet and somewhat healing to talk about her. I learned a lot, but one thing stuck out: though she was phenomenal, one thing she wanted was to be loved.
From the time she was a child, she was left with the void of not having her father’s love. From what I understood, she was rejected at a young age. She grew up desiring love and acceptance but didn’t receive it. She was a sickly child who felt her parents were tiring of her. As she got older, she started to seek love in all the wrong ways and ended up pregnant with her first child. Due to this embarrassment, her parents raised her first child as their own. Three years later, she had her second child, my mother. Again, she was looking for love. I can understand wanting love so badly that you take it in any form you get it in only to find out it’s not love at all. It was just a good time. After being unfulfilled and, for her, pregnant, she continued her hunt for love. What continues to push you is your desire for something you never had. I had love surrounding me, even from my father, but from the stories I heard about her, there was rejection. What helped put this into perspective for me is imagining being rejected by both of my parents all my life. The amount of pain she carried was unbearable. That weight I feel when I empathize with her is immense. The other side of this is she also wanted to make them proud.
So my grandmother tried getting accepted by her parents and decided to get married. She met her husband in New York City; how they met is unclear. But, their relationship was fast. It has been rumored that she married him so quickly because she wanted to prove to her parents she could do good. Once they got together she had 4 more children. He was in the military, so he was always gone. I’m proud to say he was a drill sergeant in the Army. They seemed to build a good life for themselves and their children until the hole in my grandmother’s heart became too much. There was a rhythm they created for their lives. I heard funny stories about how she waited for him to get deployed to purchase new furniture or other things she could not buy when he was home. He was notoriously frugal, which is why she had to wait until he was gone. The void created a deep hole that translated into some form of mental illness.
My grandmother had so many wonderful things happening in her life. She was a loved mother and a busy woman with her children. Even though they were the core of her life, she wanted to get away from them. Many times, while they were growing up, my grandmother would leave. She left them for periods to be alone or with family, but anywhere she could be away from her children. She spent weeks away from them. My mom was the second oldest and would take care of her younger siblings. She also had multiple suicide attempts after she and my grandfather separated. Even after they separated, she was still searching for love. My family shared numerous times when she dated the worst men who did not treat her right. But she needed love and accepted the treatment. My mom told me about how she used to go to battle with one man my grandmother dated. She said they came to blows one time because he jumped on my grandmother. Now, on the same token, my mother saved her; my grandmother tried to kill her a few times. As my mother tells it, she was telling another family member how angry she was when the doctor told her she was having a girl. Well, not only did she have a girl, she had a girl who looked exactly like her. I’ll post a picture showing you at the end of this article.
Even though she searched for love in different relationships, she still desired love from her parents. Another time, when they visited Boston, they left without even saying goodbye to her. I had that happen before, and I know exactly how painful it was for her. She went back into her house and had a huge fit. Why could everyone else see how great she was except her parents? The people who were supposed to love and accept her from when she took her first breath.
I wish my grandmother knew how special she was. I wish I could talk to my great-grandparents to find out what blocked them from loving her the way she needed to be loved. I do know one thing: the image was a big deal for my great-grandmother, and the way my grandmother lived her life was definitely not the image she wanted for her family. Sadly, some of the creativity my grandmother has come from her mother. The stories I heard were that they used to make dresses, hats, undergarments, purses, you name it, they made it. I always wanted to do this, but I did get her sense of style. She was quite glamorous as you can see in the photo above. My mom told me about how she used to make them matching outfits at the drop of a dime.
My grandmother was a sick woman, and a story that I learned about her when I was on this journey shows her talents and her love for her children. One of my aunts shared with me how my grandmother had just gotten out of the hospital, and my aunt was going to a Christmas party. She had nothing to wear, and my grandmother offered to make a custom design. My aunt didn’t want her to overexert herself, but my grandmother wanted to do it. She crafted a beautiful dress. My aunt still has her dress to this day. I believe this story takes place in the 1980s. She also shared that she allowed a friend to borrow the dress at once. This tells me she made a dress to stand the test of time. The dress is pictured below.
My grandmother was sick with sarcoidosis, which is what contributed to her death. But my mother told me that my grandmother was preparing to live with us. At that time, my mother wanted her to live with us because she was becoming so sick. She was in and out of the hospital. The day before my mother was traveling to Boston to visit her, my grandmother called her parents one last time. She spoke to her mother and told her she was moving to Jersey to be with us. My great-grandmother’s response was, why would you do that? Just stay where you are. Well, that was the final rejection. Here’s the big thing: before that call, my grandmother was in a good mood, preparing to leave the hospital and eating chips in bed. After that call, my grandmother had a blood clot burst and refused to let the doctors save her life. She died. My mother believes she died from a broken heart. That wasn’t expected to happen. I’m not sure how my mom got the information about what was said on the call, but the doctor told her she was expected to make a full recovery.
When she died, I was 5 years old, and although I was told she knew and loved me, I have no memory of her. I hate that I didn’t know her or have any memory of her, should I say. When she passed, I found out she was doing much better mentally, and she also was becoming an evangelist in her church at the time of her death. Each of us has some talent that was passed down to us. I believe she would have been so proud of us. My journey to learn more about her isn’t finished. I have plenty more to work through and search for.
Until we chat again…
1 Corinthians 13:13 NCV So these three things continue forever: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.
