The Dark Side of Online Dating…

Let’s chat about the dark side of online dating. We have all heard those stories about people getting set up after meeting someone online. You may even think, “oh this could never happen to me.” Those were my sentiments, too. Until I was on the other end of that thought. As I am sitting here listening to Brene’ Brown talk about courage and vulnerability I felt like it was time for me to share my story with you. I mentioned to you in my About Me page that I am a sexual assault survivor. I wanted to take some time to tell you my story.

My Early 20s

I would like to start in my early 20s so that you can understand my story a little better. When I was in my early 20s I was living in my new found freedom. My freedom came after being under my parents’ thumbs they finally let me do things that young adults were allowed to do. I met my first boyfriend when I was in my late teens and we actually broke up in my early 20s. We were together for about 3 years. That relationship was new for me because I didn’t really date when I was in high school. Navigating the whole relationship thing was a little hard but somehow he made it easy for me. Of course, we hit our bumps in our time together but we made it through.

After being together for some time we started to really see each other. This means that the real inner persons started to show and that made us uncomfortable. He began acting out in ways that I didn’t know how to handle. My response to his behavior was to act out in my own way by running. He pushed me to an edge that I have never experienced so I had a difficult decision to make. I decided to end that relationship. Now it was time for me to find myself.

After The Break-Up

I left one thing out, I started to talk to someone once I made my decision to break-up with him. The hardest thing that I witnessed back then was seeing him cry because I just broke his heart. That almost killed me seeing him break down like that in front of me. This was another situation that I never experienced and didn’t know what to do with it. I was so not built to look out for other people’s emotions. This is something that I still struggle with today.

The next guy that I dated for a while was a joke. I met him on a dating site, that I’m not sure is still in operation. I believed all the lines that spewed out of his mouth. One day I woke up and realized that I could do better than him. But, he did help me get over the break-up with my first boyfriend. He was the distraction that I needed for that time. You know sometimes, we hold on to something or someone much longer than we need to. That was this situation. After this exit, I was truly free.

Freedom in my 20s

During those two relationships, I was living with my dad. After I stopped seeing the last guy I moved to Delaware with my mom. I was in a state that I knew nothing about besides my mom and sister were there. Naturally, I turned to online dating to meet people. I actually met quite a few guys that way. The majority of those guys were a major waste of my time. (I’m just being honest.)

But, one day I came across a beautiful picture of this guy who seemed like he had a great job and had his stuff together. The details of who connected with whom first are a little fuzzy for me. There was a connection made. Before running into this fine young man’s picture I was just looking for people to have fun with. That was the actual vibe that I was putting out. Which, now that I think about it is probably the reason why the other guys were a waste of time.

So this young man and I started to play a game of cat and mouse. He had a “career” that made him travel a lot. The cat and mouse game was disappointing and exciting at the same time. (I was still young, guys). Nevertheless, I was sitting around for days waiting for a response from him after I responded to his last email. Oh did I forget to mention, that the only way we communicated was via email? Right, I should have known but I didn’t.

Reeling Me In

I actually moved on to other guys because it started to become a little ridiculous waiting for a guy to talk to me. Then, one day I received a magical email that surprised me. It was him. This email came about a month later. He wanted to get together with me. I got so excited, again we played cat and mouse for a little bit. Finally, we came up with a time and a day to have our first meeting/date. He had me meet him at his house. I did that with no problem. Why? Well up until now I never ran into any problems with meeting people.

The day that we were supposed to meet up I waited around for him almost all day to let me know that he was ready. It wasn’t until late that evening that I heard from him. We were supposed to meet during the day because he had something else to do that night. Once again I am disappointed with the way things are going. I go over there to meet him. Things kind of went to the left for me. He wanted me to sit on his lap, I did. Then he kissed me and began to caress my breast. He also started to kiss my breast. I was uncomfortable but I just slid off his lap. When I did that he dismissed me, nicely.

Then This Happened…

Before I left he asked for me to come back tomorrow during the day so we could hang out. I reluctantly said, sure. I know this is terrible but stick with me here. The next day arrives, I email him to make sure we are still on. He replied quickly and said yes. I took that as a good sign. I head back over to his house around 3 pm.

This time when I come in there was a guy there that he said was his cousin and a couple of children. I said hello and he rushed me into his room. He was still getting ready to go out with me, so I thought. I sat on his bed and watched TV while he got ready. All of a sudden he stops getting ready and sits next to me on the bed. I wasn’t sitting comfortably on the bed, I was sitting on the very edge of it. I wasn’t trying to give off signs that I was comfortable. The young man tells me to sit back and relax. I did but asked him when he was going to be ready to go. His reply was in a minute.

He Had A Plan

Then he lays down on his bed. In my head, I’m saying no don’t do that we have to go. He proceeds to ask me if he can get a massage. Begrudgingly, I said yes but after this, we’re leaving, right? His answer was yes. I gave him a very mediocre massage that he acted extremely grateful for. Next thing I know he asked if he could give me a massage. I told him no I was ok. He became a little pushy with it, and I conceded.

Now that he is massaging me there are some demands that he begins to throw out there. He wants me to take my shirt off, then my tank top off, next he wanted the bra to come off. Each time he gave me a demand I told him no but he found a way to take my clothes off. Now, I know for sure what is going on. I tell him I don’t want to have sex with him. The jerk thinks he is going to persuade me by kissing on me but I told him again I didn’t want to do it.

The Moment It All Changed

That wasn’t good enough for him. He gets up to put a condom on, which I took that opening to start putting my clothes on. Obviously, I wasn’t moving fast enough. Before I knew it he was back and pulling my clothes off, again. This imbecile puts me on the bed uses his body kind of like a wall. He was holding down my hands, he kept kissing me so I couldn’t scream, using his legs to spread my legs and then inserts his penis in me. I was the least bit turned on by this so I wasn’t wet. As you can imagine this was painful in more ways than one. Now, I’m being raped.

There were so many thoughts going through my head. They were going through my head 100 mph. The thoughts that I was able to catch were, “I can’t believe this is happening to me. What can I do to stop this? Did he not hear me when I said no those 2 previous times?” Next thing I know a tear rolls down my cheek. Of course, he doesn’t notice it he’s too busy raping me. I’m not sure if you ever heard other victims saying that they detached from their bodies when they’re being raped. Well, that’s what I did. There I was looking at myself in so much pain and agony.

I don’t know how long the rape took but I just remember when he finally got off of me. There was such a sense of relief. I scurried to put my clothes back on and sat on the side of the bed trying to keep my composure and come to grips with what just happened. That was it our date was over and I went home.

The Aftermath

As I was leaving his house I felt like I needed to call somebody to tell them what happened. After many attempts, I got in touch with a good friend. I told her exactly what happened and how it happened. I was so confused I didn’t know what to think. She asked me the million-dollar question, “Did I think I was raped?” I know you’re reading this and you’re saying YES YOU WERE. Quite honestly, I didn’t know and that was my answer to her question.

I needed some guidance and I couldn’t find any. While I was driving home I just cried hysterically. I needed to cry before I got home because I couldn’t let me my mom see me in this state. I mustered up the strength to pull myself together, just enough to get into the house and go straight to the computer.

Making Contact

I immediately emailed him. In rapid-fire, I typed out an email that was something to the effect of I’m not sure what happened. I know I didn’t want to have sex tonight. I don’t know where things went wrong but I really don’t want to ever hear from you again. He responded by asking if I was saying that he raped me. I told him the same thing again. Then he hit me with the typical lines of, “You wanted it too. Why didn’t you stop me? I hope you aren’t saying I raped you I can’t have that reputation. He had too much to lose.” All of this just made matters worst.

The thought crossed my mind that I did tell you no. Maybe I didn’t try to stop you aggressive enough. It was all happening too fast and I was starting to spin out. One thing remained consistent from the time the rape was happening until I got home, THIS WAS WRONG. It was like a deep aching feeling that was letting me know that the event that just occurred was not right. Almost like my conscience was screaming at me.

The Cleaning

Because I was spinning out I had to do something about the disgusting feeling I had on my body. I rushed off the computer, ran to the shower and tried to scrub this horrible event off my body. I scrubbed and scrubbed but I couldn’t get that feeling off of me. While I was in the shower I just sobbed. Once I got out of the shower I ran into my mom.

I didn’t do as good of a job hiding my experience because my mom caught a view of me. She looked at me inquisitively and asked what’s wrong, I hurried up out of her sight and told her nothing was wrong. I knew deep down inside she didn’t believe me.

No More Secrets

No one ever knew about the rape until one or two years later. My mom was dating this guy for a couple of years. One day we were riding to his house so I could pick up my car because it was getting fixed there. He asked me what happened between the guy I was going on the 2-minute dates with. His question caught me off guard. All I could think of saying was I don’t want to talk about it.

After he insisted that I tell him, I shared my secret. That moment became the first time I ever told anyone my secret in years. He got really upset about what happened to me and told me that I had to tell my mom when we got back to the house.

I told a guy that I was dating at the time what happened to me. It came up in conversation somehow. He urged me to tell my therapist about it. I was in therapy at the time for anxiety with school and told my therapist. We worked on it a little bit but not all the way. She looked at the statute of limitations for Delaware and my time was up. There was nothing that I could do about it now.

The Change

This event changed the whole course of my life. I lost trust in people for many years to come. I taught myself to hide my emotions deep inside under so many barriers. During that time it was very difficult for me to be alone with men. It didn’t matter if I knew them for years I always felt uneasy being around them.

When I was alone with men I became very anxious to the point my body would tighten and I would break out in a sweat. I had nightmares about what happened to me. I developed this issue with people touching me. No one was able to touch me after this. I think it’s safe to say that I was experiencing PTSD.

The other guys that I dated after I was raped were never able to get too close to me. I couldn’t allow it because something might happen again. How did I know they weren’t going to rape me too? The truth of the matter was I didn’t know. I became stone cold which put me further out of touch with other people’s feelings. It’s not that I didn’t know that people had feelings, I just didn’t care about what they felt.

Final Note

This was my story about the dark side of online dating. I wanted to write this post because I said I was going to be transparent here. The second reason is maybe I could help someone who might have experienced the same thing. If you have been raped and it’s not too late to report it, PLEASE REPORT IT. Tell someone, I know first hand how difficult that is. But you have to do it. That was my mistake, keeping it bottled up inside for such a long time.

This secret almost destroyed me. Once you report them GET THERAPY. There will be some deep stuff that you are going to have to work through after this happened to you. Don’t be afraid of getting help and doing something about this terrible thing that happened to you. Don’t blame yourself, that person has already had it in their mind what they wanted to do. There was nothing you could do about it.

Resources

If you need some resources I want to provide you with some. You can contact RAINN at https://www.rainn.org/ or call them at 800-656-HOPE. Or you can contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673. Both of these organizations can be reached 24/7. They will help you and get you the help that you need.

Isaiah 40:31 NCV But the people who trust in the Lord will become strong again. They will rise up as an eagle in the sky; Then they will run and not need to rest; they will walk and not become tired.

Let me know what you thought about this post. You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter @itsashleyjw. As always you can leave a comment here.