Understanding Intimacy

Let’s chat about understanding intimacy. When I say the word intimacy, what comes to your mind? Probably sex, right? That’s what most people think about. There are so many people who have the idea that intimacy can only be achieved through sex. But intimacy is much deeper than the physical. Last week we chatted about having better communication in your relationships. In that discussion, I made a small reference to intimacy. I will be breaking down the different types of intimacy and how you can understand the way intimacy develops in relationships.

Understanding Intimacy…

Intimacy can be described as a deep bond that you develop with someone. When you are intimate with someone you are willing to be completely open with them and vulnerable. This helps us to get closer to the people we care about and love. Please understand that intimacy is not just for romantic relationships but you can be intimate with your friends too. People that we are intimate with know us in a way that outsiders don’t.

There are four different types of intimacy. They are experiential, emotional, intellectual, and sexual. Each one of these people understands them in different ways. So let’s break down each of the types of intimacy.

Experiential intimacy is a bond that you have with someone over a shared interest. The next is emotional intimacy which is a bond you build with someone that you are extremely comfortable with sharing your feelings. Intellectual intimacy is when you both bond over your intellect. You feel comfortable with sharing your ideas with one another. Finally is sexual intimacy, this is the better-known type of intimacy, which is when people create a bond over sex.

Intimacy Examples

I want to give you a few examples of each type of intimacy. Let’s start with experiential intimacy. Say you and a coworker have shared a like in say Game of Thrones. (That was one of my all-time favorite shows). Every time you see that coworker you guys will talk about that favorite show. You guys have an experiential bond.

Emotional intimacy is something that people have a little more difficulty with. Not everyone is willing to be vulnerable with other people but when it comes to this person there is no hiding your emotions. If you share emotional intimacy with someone then you are completely unafraid to show them all of your emotions. You have found your “person”.

I think this next example is one that not too many people are looking to have this sort of bond. Let’s say you met someone you want to date and you like everything about them. You guys even connect on an intellectual level. You are unafraid to share ideas with this person, no matter how crazy you may think they sound. That person feels the same way about you. What’s even better is the two of you can disagree but it doesn’t have to be a thing. You have connected with them on an intellectual level.

Finally, the most common form of intimacy which is sexual intimacy. We hear people say that you can have sex without any type of connection. That’s true to a certain extent. Whether you have sex with someone who you are committed to or someone who you have a situationship with. You create a bond with them sexually. You have a connection that is only privy to you and the person you are with. Sexual intimacy is different for everybody.

The Factors Involved With Intimacy

In order to attain intimacy in any relationship, there have to be some elements involved with the relationship. Actually, there should be seven elements involved, trust, acceptance, honesty, safety, compassion, affection, communication. These elements are crucial so that you can establish intimacy. The seven elements need to be established genuinely.

Trust is the first element that needs to be developed in any relationship especially an intimate one. You don’t reveal your true feelings to just anyone. We want to trust the person we are opening our heart to is not going to abuse that privilege. The next element that should be in your intimate relationship is acceptance. We can’t start a connection with somebody if you are not accepted by them. They accept every little dark, quirky, hidden aspect of your personality.

Continued Factors…

There’s really no need to say this but when you are intimate with someone you are honest with them. If you are with someone intimately there is no way you can be dishonest with them. You know why? Because they know every little part of you and know when you are deceiving them.

It takes feeling safe for you to open yourself up completely to someone. That’s why safety is one of the elements needed for intimacy. We tend to be compassionate towards the people that we care about. Compassion embodies forgiveness and understanding, which are two things you need when you are in relationships.

Now, we have these other elements working for us affection is a natural next step. When you know someone on a deeper level compassion expresses itself in a physical way. It is shown by giving you a hug or a kiss, or pat on the back. Finally, there is communication. How can we become intimate if there is no communication in the relationship? Communication keeps things healthy and intimacy strong.

Conclusion

There might be some of you reading this and you aren’t intimate with anybody. I believe you should consider going to therapy because there are possibly some problems that have not been dealt with. We all need that person who we can reveal our true selves to. I hope that you have or can find that person to be vulnerable with and share some version of intimacy with.

Colossians 3:19 NCV Husbands, love your wives and be gentle with them.

Let’s discuss your thoughts on this subject by leaving me a comment or finding me on Facebook, Twitter, and IG @itsashleyjw. You can also share with me your thoughts on this post.

References

Good Therapy. (2019). What is Intimacy? Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/intimacy.

Johnson, M. Healthline. (2019). How to Understand and Build Intimacy in Every Relationship. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/intimacy#1.